Two people, a man and a woman, riding bicycles at sunset. They are both reaching toward each other to hold hands. — Good communication is the foundation for every strong relationship. And that includes talking to your partner to make sure both of you are getting your needs met.

We all have needs! Lots of different types of them: sleep, love, connection, and validation. And you’re allowed to have needs. I often hear clients express fear around having needs in relationships, especially amongst young women in romantic relationships.

Sadly, many people feel their needs aren’t valid, often due to negative past experiences. The steps below are a guide for overcoming the fear of sharing your needs in a relationship and how to have them met in a way that benefits both you and your partner.

Ask: What Do I Need in a Relationship and Is It My Responsibility?

First, identify the need in question. Is it emotional support, validation, happiness, or perhaps something more tangible like financial stability?

Once pinpointed, assess whether this need is primarily an internal one that you can fulfill through self-care, self-improvement, or self-compassion, or if it’s genuinely external and requires outside participation. For example, making time for more date nights.

Asking yourself if a need is your responsibility empowers you to take control of your well-being and encourages a partnership based on mutual support rather than dependency. This question also prompts a deeper understanding of what truly matters to you and how you can work together with your partner to create a fulfilling relationship.

Ask: To What Extent Can I Fulfill This Need On My Own?

For needs rooted in personal development, such as self-esteem or happiness, the journey is predominantly inward. Relying solely on a partner for these aspects can lead to dependency and/or strain the relationship.

Ask yourself how you can work on fulfilling the need yourself. Engage in activities that bolster your self-worth and happiness independently. This doesn’t mean you can’t seek support from your partner, but the core of these needs are an individual responsibility.

Next, Communicate With Your Partner

Needs that revolve around relationship dynamics–such as communication, respect, and intimacy–are shared responsibilities. These are areas where it’s appropriate and necessary to lean on each other, making it a team effort to meet these needs.

Effectively communicating your needs to your partner is vital for the health and longevity of your relationship. Here are key strategies to ensure that your needs are understood and met:

Instead of making vague statements, be clear about what you need. For example, instead of saying, "I wish you were more attentive," specify, "I feel valued when we spend uninterrupted time together. Could we plan a date night once a week?".
Start sentences with "I" to express how you feel, rather than "you," which can sound accusatory and put your partner on the defensive. For instance, "I feel lonely when we don't talk about our day" instead of "You never listen to me."
Timing is crucial. Choose a moment when both of you are calm and not distracted by other tasks. Avoid starting these conversations during a conflict.
Begin by acknowledging what your partner is doing right. People are more receptive to requests when they feel appreciated, not just critiqued.

Then, Allow Your Partner to Respond

Communication is a two-way street. So it’s important to give your partner a chance to respond to what you’ve told them. Their perspective might offer insights into how both of you can work together to meet your relationship needs. Here are some things to keep in mind as you listen:

Don’t jump ahead and predetermine an outcome in your head.
Listen to your partner's response without interrupting.
Show that you're listening by nodding, making eye contact, and paraphrasing what your partner says.
Physical touch, eye contact, and attentive body language can all convey your love and commitment, making verbal communication more effective.
Sometimes, meeting in the middle is necessary. Be willing to compromise and find solutions that satisfy both partners.

Finally, Take Action Together

Define specific, actionable steps that both of you can take to meet the expressed needs. For instance, if you’ve asked for more quality time together, schedule regular date nights or a specific time each day to connect without distractions.

Collaboration in creating a plan ensures that both partners are committed and understand their roles in meeting each other's needs.

As you progress, keep the lines of communication open regarding how well the needs are being met. If something isn’t working, discuss why and how it can be improved. Be willing to adjust your approach as needed.

Continue to Check In as Necessary

This isn’t a quick fix. Our needs will always grow, change, and evolve, so checking in on needs is always relevant. Revisit the conversation to acknowledge progress and discuss any ongoing adjustments. This shows that you're committed to improvement and appreciate your partner's efforts.

Want help in communicating your needs?
Contact me for a 1:1 therapy session!

How to Have Your Needs Met in a Relationship